When I’m overwhelmed by my emotions… Fearful of the one I love leaving me, my words are like killer bees with massive stingers. These creatures that terrify me act as my protection mechanism. I only see the pain inflicted after I’ve calmed down. Because of this and many other behaviors I have never really loved. I might have been passionate or involved, but never truly loving. I want this to change. I’m desperate.
It is indeed incredibly sad to realize that the only feeling that one is comfortable with experiencing is a feeling of doubt and embarrassment. Many people would just look another way, yet for her… her thoughts are poison that destroys her from inside out. Looking back and doubting every word that was spoken out loud, every word that perhaps, was supposed to stay unspoken…every move that perhaps was meant to be suppressed.
Feeling so bizarre, a feeling of complete incompetence to behave like a ‘pseudo-normal’ human being. When did all of this start? She does not remember. Those memories have been blocked out by the insecurities and despise.
It’s been 2 weeks since I last met my psychologist, I was good back then (or at least that’s what I was pretending) I’m falling into drugs again and I don’t know how to tell her with out feeling I’m disappointing her (I really hate disappointing people). the one I thought was my only friend in real life is getting away from me and, I’m feeling it and, it hurts so bad, I’m trying everything to keep her by my side but I’m starting to think I’m not worth it. everybody leave me standing, forgotten, abandoned, left behind.
the only I thing I feel right now is that I want to be dead, nothing would make me happier.
I need to understand what is happening. Maybe you can help me because nobody else has been able to. If you could please go to my page and go under “personal” you can read the 1st post there. I was diagnosed with Bipolar, PTSD, & Anxiety 2 years ago and then last summer with BPD. The meds don’t work and the therapy they tried with me didn’t work. They gave me the diagnosis of being SMI (severely mentally ill). I started going to the SMI clinic & the new doctor said I was misdiagnosed and she didn’t see the psychosis that would lead her to believe that I have Bipolar or Borderline. And then said that I have mod-sev depression and PTSD. This was the first time I met her and I went through as much about my life in that first session. I’m not sure if I should believe that since it was the first and only time we’ve chatted or what! All I know is that I’m not getting better and things suck. I’m just having a really hard time right now and nobody understands what I’m going through. I just wanna scream!!!!!
People…some dont believe that I am what I am they want to say I am bipolar, or that I have anxiety….I know that my posting from the awareness poster was a while back but I had a moment of clarity. I realized. My reality is a carousel….it is, I never know what people are thinking or what people perceive of me, and I keep it in well very well…I burst…on video games, parents, um….christmas, sometimes friends let me vent….even if its in public places…and thats the perception people I had of me. Im sorry to the people who were offended by my yelling in the bathroom…but could you imagine the inner being of my reality….shit the pain is so bad. And still I just made it worse. I told the last person I should tell my moment of clarity of what that poster really meant.
If it is any consolation to anyone who hated carousels as much as I did, I found a way to enjoy them by jumping from horse to horse and ticking people off….also I like roller coasters, I feel lively and adventurous and yes close to touch the “untouchable”.
And yes right now I am as loud as I want to be because I aced my classes and I am proud despite my hardships.
Get up get out of your head
Get out of your mind
Stop focusing on your emotions
Can’t anything distract me from myself long enough to make me happy and keep me engrossed.
No Isolation seems best right now
Someone said it best there are no friends only acquaintances. I need to remember that and stop daydreaming that there’s anything more
Because I don’t understand “best friends” and I don’t understand “friendship” and I don’t understand why I have to be so mean despite my good heart and intentions.
I need to stop shutting the door in peoples faces, I need to be a part of something.
I just can’t stop and it hit me that its going to be a daily struggle for the rest of my life….and I’m just not sure why we have to go through this. Why I have to go through this.
Did I do something wrong?
I can’t stop. I’m stuck in my own world and I can’t stop today.