Opening yourself up to someone and having them not quite hear what you’re saying is, well, confusing.
Did they listen and it’s not a big deal to them? If it’s not a big deal, am I okay with that? I mean, it’s my life that they’re so cavalier about! If they didn’t listen what did they hear? That I’m a little confused or a little hard to handle? Or maybe they heard it and choose to wear rose coloured glasses, what happens when the glasses come off and they see it, see me, for what I really am?
But maybe there is one question we should ask instead of all those others: can you live with his decision?
What I mean is, will it drive you nuts thinking about how he may not have listened or that he’s not being serious or that he doesn’t really understand what you’ve told him?
Now, can it work if he doesn’t understand?
The honest answer is that we don’t know. We don’t know if someone else can understand what we’re going through or even all those things about us we think are awful. Maybe those things aren’t awful to someone else.
Sometimes we put so much emphasis on people understanding exactly what we say. Sometimes we tell ourselves that it will all work out if they’d just listen. I do it all the time. My life would be different if I had have done this or that differently. If only I’d made that choice instead of the one I did. If only I’d taken that chance and not played it safe. Whatever it was, it’s happened and I am here.
There’s no easy fix, no explaining it until it makes sense and it’s definitely the furthest thing from pretty.
You need to decide if explaining how you feel you are in relationships (because there’s every possibility you’re not as bad as you think you are) is more important than accepting his word — right or wrong — that he wants to make it work.
I could be over simplifying it. If so, talk with him about how you feel. Talk about your reservations and why you feel the need to explain this to him. Figure out ways to combat the ups and downs. Learn what your triggers are and work together to put in place plans that will help you both get through those really intense times; both good and bad.
Perhaps the realities of planning — because these aren’t the things you play as they come — what to do will help him see that it’s not all sitting around sharing feelings and listening. Sometimes it’s about action, it’s about showing something rather than just saying “we’ll get through it”. Actions really do speak louder than words, so plan those actions that need to be done in those intense periods.
One last thing, don’t forget to enjoy yourself too. Analysing this stuff has its place, but having fun and living in the moment also has its place.
It’s great that the To Do Lists are working, for the most part. They’re a great way to help organise your thoughts as well as tasks!
But what do you do when they don’t work sometimes?
Remember that sometimes there are things that just don’t fit, don’t work or can’t be done in the same time frame as other things. Stuff doesn’t always fit in our lives the way we want them to or even the way we need them to.
So give yourself a break, allow yourself to take some time out and breathe. Yes, I did say breathe. There are times when you just need to breathe, re-evaluate the task at hand and decide if this task is one you need to keep doing or if you can postpone it and do the next one on the list. There’s no rule that says you can’t come back to it or try again. And if there is a rule: break it.
Reward yourself for the tasks/goals you do complete. Little things to remind yourself that you’re awesome, that you completed it. Celebrate the victories, the doing, because it’s all those little victories that make up the big stuff.
Finding little ways to give yourself a break, to let go of the pressures we put on ourselves to perform, to be perfect, to achieve things that are sometimes beyond our capabilities, can be the only thing left to do. That’s not to say things will always be so hard, or that we won’t be able to do all the things we want to do. It just means we take into account what we can do right now without blame or fear that we’re not good enough. Because we are good enough, right this minute, and we don’t need to be any better than we can be.
Anyway, I went off track a little because your message triggered some of these thoughts in me. I hope you don’t mind that I explored a couple of them here.
I guess all I’m really saying is that it’s okay to not get things “right” or perfect or even finish things sometimes. It’s okay to fall apart.
Lastly, give yourself as much time as you need. The stress of “everything needs to be done by…” builds to a point where you can’t do anything else because it’s all fallen apart. So if you start to feel the knot in your stomach or the sweaty palms or any of your stress indicators it’s time to stop. Go have a break. Five or ten minutes is better than ending up in the foetal position on the floor for the rest of the day, yeah? Take the time you need to get things done.
Hopefully there’s something here that can help or give you some ideas on things that will work for you.
Does this darkness have a name?
Sometimes you need to just breathe
Or you’ll feel the pressure wrap around your neck like a wreathe
Take it all in and let it all out
Remember what life is really about
Fill your lungs with air
let it disappear with all your despair
Along with every tear and fear
Don’t worry your destination is near
Close by is everyone you hold dear
You call to them but you’re not sure if they hear
You can see them but it’s hard to look them in the eye
Eyes ablaze with rage and accusations you can’t deny
Where do you even begin?
Can you ever let someone else in?
After all what you did was a sin
Maybe you deserve for the darkness to win
It’s already messing with your head
The words don’t matter…the ones left unsaid
Broken promises always get left behind
Someone that makes the pain go away? Now that’s hard to find
All the lines you thought were written in stone
Are now all blurry and that chills you to the bone
You look in the mirror and you don’t recognize
The person looking back as if they’re wearing a disguise
It’s swirling all around you, all the lies
It suffocates you so no one can hear your cries
This is your life and this is the mess you’ve made
That love in your heart has long since decayed
You want to inhale a little harder, swallow a little more and cut a little deeper
But now you just look weak and broken…well aren’t you a keeper
You’re scared no one will ever understand
You reach out to grab someone but you can’t find their hand
The pain and anger you feel inside is a little more than you can stand
You feed the darkness and its every demand
But all too quickly you are sinking down into quicksand
You’ve come to live with the bloodshot eyes and vacant expressions
After all you’ve had to explain them in various sessions
You even get to say all of your confessions
And try not to let your mind wander away with all their questions
You’re probably impulsive and used to have an infinity for life
Now all you see is every painful memory etched into your body like a knife
You struggle and cry as you try not to let the darkness consume you
It’s strange to think at one time that feeling had to be new
Now it’s an on-going battle you fight so hard every second of every day
Hoping one day you’ll be okay
The inner turmoil bottles up inside and you can’t think
You’re about to be pushed over the brink
You collapse on the bathroom floor by the sink
You just lost the fight, get out of the rink
Suddenly everything vanishes and you can’t see
Its only darkness what else would it be?
Your breathing becomes slow
All the static in your head turns down low
You know this is the end of the show
It’s only a matter of time before you’re 6 ft. below
Now alone in the darkness maybe you’re finally free
Or about as close as you’ll ever be